About ben1

Aidpage is a great idea but it hasn't helped me one bit.

When I made my original post I was feeling desparate and boxed in to a dismal future with no way out and felt that I was helpless to change it. I can't believe the words in my original post came out of me. I have always been self-sufficient, able to overcome whatever conditions and curveballs life has thrown at me. I was, and thankfully am again, a person who will fall down seven times and get up eight...as the old proverb says.

Hearing from other people in my same predicament and many who were much worse off than me-either physically sick or those with a history of major psychological illness-didn't help me. In fact I found the adage "misery loves company" to be the opposite for me; the company of the miserable only intensified my own feelings of desparation.

But now that I write out my feelings I guess you could say that my fellow Aidpagers have motivated me to, however slowly, get up that eighth time and get on with the unpleasant business of living.

The past 10 months have been no picnic for me. I have been assaulted by death, a failed marriage (which failed because of my selfishness), the realization that when I look at my grown child what looks back at me is a fairly good reflection of some of my worst personality traits-laziness, procrastination, and entitlement. Now that I am through the worst part of my own emotional mini-iceage of feeling, I can begin to address his needs in what I call "bootcamp" for the mind, body and soul. If I leave my child nothing else I will leave him with the greatist git a father can...self-respect and pride in his family's history.

Ideas are powerful. Every great invention, song, book, medical advance begins with and idea, and a person who will just not give up on that idea. One idea that I have been working on for a long time is the idea of believing in myself.  I can't accomplish my other goals without this fundemental belief in place. I can't help my son change his bad habits if I don't try and change mine. And the worst habit I have is putting myself down. Others who suffer with this problem know exactly what I mean-the hear the voices of self-sabbotage as I do. I get up every day and try to silence this voice. Some days I'm more successful that others. But that's life. And in my experience actions speak louder than words...if you do something that helps another person, place or thing you will feel good about it. I try to 'act' my way to feeling good and cancel out my normal feelings of doubt, inferiorty and guilt.

And, often in the face of everything that is going on around me, I look for something to feel grateful for...and I always find it.